Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
