My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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