it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Randomize
