there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
