i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
