Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
