During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
