i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
