just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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