Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
