literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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