Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
