Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
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