I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
