moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
We had to coat check the pizza.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
