well I can't set my house on fire every night
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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