I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
