This dress was meant to end up on your floor
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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