i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
