So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
