To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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