TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
