I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
