Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
