I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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