Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
