No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
