I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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