I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize