I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I got inside last night via doggy door
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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