It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
