i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
