last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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