I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
