We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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