I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
