you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
