i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
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