Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
