I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
