the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I can't put those talents on a resume
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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