I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Randomize
