wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
