I skipped work to stalk him.
that's an acceptable place to lick
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
there is glitter all over my balls
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
