I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Life without a bra equals bliss.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
