Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
