You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
