I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Randomize
