dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I need to sanitize my soul.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
