Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
